(Top?) 5 things I have lied about in the past 23 years.

In the spirit of NoSafeNovember, I thought I would list things that I am not safe for hiding from the public (aka my pals).  Thus, I have decided to end this year's #NoSafeNovember by calling myself out on my own shit. That's right: Open season on me. Here are my top 5 things I've lied about my whole life and have picked now to confess about them.

5.There are very few Final Fantasy games I've beaten without "cheating."

Listen, folks. I am NOT a gamer nor have I ever claimed to be. In fact, if asked, I would say "no, I am not. I  do play games but not often." That, I have never lied about. "Gamer" is a fully time job and requires finance I just don't have.  Some people assume that I am a gamer just because I am all up in Japanese pop culture--I watched anime, read manga and played through Final Fantasy. Oh wait... about that. Yes, I have told the masses I have played FF 7,8 and 9. And I have. No lie. However, completing the games in a consistent go is something I rarely do. But WAIT! Let me explain. I have a brother only one year younger than me who I (was forced to) share(d) everything with--not limited to memory cards, games, clothes, cds, rooms etc. So, as if cued, my brother would get the urge to delete memory to free up months of space for games he'd only play once. This was almost always right before I fought the final boss or made it more than 3/4 of the game. Imagine how monotonous it is to retrain Chocobos, dodge lightning bolts, go through mazes, click through dialogue, rewatch Yuffie be dumb, Squall be emo, Zidane be awkward and Selphie be useless. Mind you, I am not talking about replaying a game for nostalgia. I mean putting that damn movie right back into the DVD player and watching it all again. But instead of a movie, its a 40+ hour game. Plus, you already know all the spoilers, plot developments and cinematic moments. So, I would just ask my cousin if I could copy his memory to my memory card and start from where he left off. Except, by that time, I lost motivation. Not to mention I--and everyone else on the whole internet that grew up in the late 90s early 00s--know the entire script to those games. Seriously, I could tell you what happened from 7-9 without skipping a beat, including the ending... So N'yeah!


Tell me one thing she did that rocked and I'll apologize.

4. I Loved Sailor Moon as a kid, but not for the reason I lied to you about...

If you and I have had this conversation, it went like this: "Yeah, I loved that show's animation. It introduced me to Japanese animation. I didn't see any other cartoon with that kind of animation. It was so unique for me at the time." None of that is a lie. It was different from anything I was watching at the time. But, the real reason I liked it was because I was an 8 year old boy who loved to see those Sailor Scouts kick some ass and enjoyed the romantic themes just as much. No, not second to the action.: JUST AS FUCKING MUCH. Equal, I tell you! Equal! Of course now, after growing up and being introduced to taste, I can honestly admit it is trash. Cute, but trash. But I am going to be honest, they've announced a remake of the series and I will most definitely give it a chance. My only two request is that it better not have nearly as many unlikable characters as the original or be nearly as stereotypical. In other words, it better be a different show.

In the name of the moon, be less of a brat.

3. I dig Alan Moore but...

I don't really enjoy some of his works quite like the rest of the world. For those who don't know who he is, he is the God of creation everything comic books. You may have heard of the films V for Vendetta, League of Extrodinary Gentlemen and Watchmen. I really do like his works, but that's the problem: I like  them while the world loves him. People foam at the god damn mouth when you don't shower this man in your body juices after you have had a Moore-experience. I know someone will cry when they read the following truth: I've never gotten the oh-so holy erection while reading his flawless, divine, timeless, epic, hair-raising, life-changing, stories. I saw V for Vendetta when I was a high school student and loved it. I didn't know it was a comic book first until I went to college and read it. But something very peculiar happened when I read the comic book: I read it like a comic book and not like the ancient Rossetta Stone. When I discussed this with the Alan Moore fart collectors--I mean, Alan Moore fans--I realized my reading experience differed from there's greatly. I talked about it without crying and I said "I liked it." Oh boy was I the black guy at a Tea Party protest. They asked me if I noticed the theme of "5" hidden throughout the comic. No, I didn't notice that. I was too busy counting up all the fucks I never gave about those details. (Note: there were a total of FIVE fucks I never gave if anyone's curious.) Later, I read Watchmen--a comic I liked more than V for Vendetta because it was of the Superhero genre. However, I made the neanderthal mistake of reading this comic book like a comic book too. At the end of each issue, there was an article (essay) that contained extra back story to events that happened before the story. Here's my question: Why not just stop the self-indulgent bull and just put it in the story? They almost laughed me out of the room with a statement like that. I can hear it now "put a story inside the story? Like a regular old story? Psh... you're not an intellectual reader." Guess what, since I am in a good mood am just gonna break every Moore laprider's heart by revealing a bonus lie: I skipped RIGHT the fuck over those extra articles. I figured if it wasn't worth putting within the story, then it ain't worth reading. Fuck your argument. Moving on.

2. Jay-Z is fantastic but...

I don't think his older material is his "better" material as I have put on. Mind you, this isn't a lie I've told often or recently. In fact, it's something I realized about year ago when Watch The Throne came out. Now, I am not going to say the Reasonable Doubt--Jay-z's first album--is not a great album. I won't say it cause I love it too much. But, its a boring album to recommend for someone who doesn't appreciate lyrics over production. Not only that album either, but every album before Blueprint. Seriously, folks. I'm standing by it. I appreciate that older stuff because its an acquired taste. But ask me which albums do I listen to the most when I get in a Jay-z mood and I will name his most recent albums (minus Kingdom Come. Oh god, what a disappointment). Also, take in consideration that I have changed a lot since middle school and so has his music. For example, I  am old and lame now and can barely tolerate the word "faggot," most forms of misogyny and gang violence which are concepts thoroughly explored in his earlier music than anything Post-Beyonce (thank god for that). Not to mention Kanye West becoming his #1 producer for a number of the latter albums (thank god for that too). And let's be honest, Watch The Throne got me crunker than most other Jay-z albums. Ever. Cringe and deal with it. DEAL WITH IT!



^Yes, this happened. Unacceptable.

1. I tear up easily during movies, music, novels, comics, conversations, aw hell just about everything.

Now don't get all excited and start shouting rude things at me in hopes that I break down like a little Baby McCry Cry. Because it's not gonna happen. For some reason, its only stories that make me do this. For example, remember hearing about the controversy surrounding Marvel comics about killing off Peter Parker in the Ultimate storyline?  Well, in that link I just left is a video. Watch all of it. If you didn't cry you're way better than me. Cause I did. But, again, it only happens when I experience through a story. For instance, I can sit at a funeral of someone I love and be very very depressed. But not a moment before someone speaks about a funny incident or an inspirational action said person did before passing away do I start letting Niagra fall down my face. But it gets even better. Crying out of sadness is a lot harder than cry out of joy. I am almost always going to cry if I hear about or experience first hand a touching moment between folks. And I won't even cover my eyes in shame. I will just cry while you get your kicks in telling some bullshit tale you pulled out of your ass. But take heed: Execution is the key. You can't just be like "Hey man, I saw a 3 legged puppy and I just thought you should know about it" and expect me to break down in some crowded area. Hell no. Work for my tears! But now that I've told you, I'm going to expecting it. So N'yeah!


I'm done for now. I had fun with this one.