Gay

Being gay just ain't what it used to be. I remember back in a time where being gay meant you were sexin' dudes. But one thing I have learned about life is that everything changes.

Don't get me wrong, I have kept up with the changes. I remember in 4th grade I wore a pink shirt to school and for that entire day I was called gay. So I thought, "note to self...pink means dude sexin.'"  However, that changed just a week later when I brought my holographic Charizard Pokemon card to school. The same group of boys came up to inform me of my homosexual ways: "Man, that's gay. You're gay." So I added on to my mental notes: "Okay. Charizard is gay too. Noted." A year later, I was discussing why Goku was gonna whoop Frieza's ass in the next episode of Dragonball Z with a friend. A familiar group of cliches people approached me reminding me that I was still gay. By that time it was too late. I stopped caring because I finally knew what gay meant. At least I thought I did. 

Then, middle school came and I was informed by a currently established homosexual that I was gay because I did not care about being gay and that I didn't play basketball. Thus, I readjusted my mental notes again: "Start playing with balls and then I am no longer gay." By 7th grade, I finally got it. Being gay was no longer something difficult to define and I learned that two things: Gay is when some is romantically interested in males and I am not part of that community. 

By college, of course it was all mapped out. Sexual categories are just not simple. Obviously if a man and another man are in a relationship (or woman and another woman, and in some cases, a man and a woman who have complicated situation), they are most likely gay/lesbian/bisexual. However, my mind was blown yet again. A person can potentially be a heterosexual woman but fall in love with another woman. Just one woman. She could not be attracted to only one woman her whole life. Does that make her gay? So, I noted once more: "Labels complicate simple things."

However, today, October 20,  2011, I am afraid I am back to square one, once again. Today, it was raining and it was the worst kind of rain: it was cold and horizontal. So, I snatched my umbrella. When I got to the cafeteria, I met with a friend. Once we finished, we walked outside into the rain, where, again, I used my umbrella. She looked at me and snickered, " You are the ONLY boy I know that has an umbrella!"

"really?" I said. 

"Yes, really."

"ah...you're point?"

"You know what they say about boys with umbrellas"

"..they don't like to get wet?"

"Nope," she blurted, "They're gay!!!"

I quit the human race.

Villainy. Non-biased, LGBT supportin' Villainy.

Remember when "I don't care" meant something?

I think the first time I said"I don't care" and really meant it was around 3rd grade. I never played kick ball and hated when students got mad that I didn't play. They cared too much about my disinterest in the game. I remember standing on top of that hill at Chillhowee Intermediate's playground after they had asked harassed me for the second time in a 30 minute period and announcing to the entire world "I really don't care about kickball."

It was empowering to denounce something that everyone tried so hard to convert me to. I just didn't want to play kick ball. I seriously didn't care about that game or the other games they wanted me to play. But wasn't I apathetic before I proclaimed? What encouraged me to holler my lack of interest in kickball? In fact, kickball was not the thing I cared least about. The things I cared the absolute least about were things that I don't even bother to think about. A prime example is the Rugrats. When I was in third grade I really did not care about that show at all. I would not even think about that show unless it was on, and I watched it only to pass the boredom. It wasn't until recently I thought back and realized that show really sucked. I describe it as a " bunch of ugly babies and an overly villainized girl who received no attention from her frequent-cellphone-wielding parents."

I mean really...look at this shit.

But I digress.

I cared even less about politics, so much so that when Bill Clinton got that infamous BJ, I just disregarded. I knew it had something to do with sex due to naughty 4th graders that learned from their parents' xxx rated movies. But I was still not interested. Didn't give two fucks about it--no pun intended. Thus, I must have said "I don't care about kickball" because I wanted them to leave me alone.

Eventually, like many others, I abused my "I don't care" powers.  I found myself using it for things I did care about--things that cause too much of an internal conflict. For an example, I wanted to be a reader so badly but I just could not make myself do it. When everyone read Harry Potter, I avoided it saying "I don't care about Harry Potter." But I did care. I cared sooo much. But because I knew I wouldn't read the book, I just told myself and the world I didn't care. A big regret. Should've read more as a child. I see that same thing today with other people only it has gotten worse. I first noticed it in high school. I was sitting in class when all of the sudden a teacher told a student "if she wanted to sleep she could go home or sleep outside." She wasn't having it. She argued, " But some of us got jobs!"(This argument always struck a nerve with me because it was so weak. I understand that there are some shitty situations were people have to work for their families and poor living conditions but most people at the school were not in those terrible conditions. They chose to work.) The teacher responded "well, I am sorry but you should learn to prioritize. There is no point to coming to class if you can't stay awake for it." She shouted, " Man, I don't give a fuck!" and promptly left the classroom. Okay, clearly she gave a fuck because she resisted him and tried to stay. This happened several times throughout high school. I heard that phrase before fights, classroom walkouts, break ups etc.

Now, "Idon'tcare/don'tgiveafuck" means " I care soooo damn much and I am upset about it. Waah." I think it agitates me the most when people say they don't care about something and THEN argue about it. I remember sitting in on a conversation between two people. One was black and one was white. The black person loudly stated that "Jesus was black!" while the white person said "dude, why do you even care? I don't care about his race. Why do you need to make him black? Just leave him white." Well, I agree to an extent. I disagree about only having a white Jesus because of the racial dominance it influences by making the son of God, someone who represents all perfection a skinny, white male (considering its role in history as tool of conquest and it's influence of America's idea that white is the standard. In my opinion, he shouldn't be animated at all or make him in all colors). My problem with this scenario is not the politics around it, but the mask of "I don't care." The guy said he didn't care but then said "Just leave him white?" So basically...you do care?

Sir, I am going to have to pick a side: to care or to not care

 I have caught myself doing it too. I remember my freshman year, someone engaged me in an argument that I was not in the mood to back down from. It might have been abortion, or something cliche like that. But halfway through it, I said, " I don't care" and then continued to engage the person in the argument. Then saying "I don't care" when I realized I was wrong. Its like jumping into a fight between two people, trying to make peace, and then bitch slapping them both and fleeing from the altercation. You can't wave a sign of peace and then continue engaging someone in war...unless you're a jerk.

What really gets my boxers all tied up is when someone says "I don't care" about something they don't know about or something important. I am not saying every serious thing that is going on in the world should have you undivided. After all, importance is not objective and people that feel that way aren't my favorite people either (,and I really don't like when I am being one of those people). In most cases, like my early beliefs of Rugrats, I don't really think about or mention things I genuinely don't care about. So proclaiming your lack of care all the time makes it look like you want people to care about your apathy, which might mean that you care too much.



 Villainy.