A week in review: Kids

This week will be remembered for its wide variation of emotions. Having been only two weeks after I graduated college, I landed a job--a very unboring one. I work at an elementary school in an after school program called Child Care. From 2 til 6 I supervise about 20 kids between the ages of 5-12. This job has very little to do with my major which is not a surprise because my major was English Literature. However, the job has given me a lot of interesting experiences and created a lot of stories. Also, I have learned to respond to "Hey, Mr. Timothy!" Thank God they don't say "Mr. Anderson" because that inspires that joke. You know the one....the one.

Unfortunately, that was the only positive experience I had this past week. Most of the  negativity of this week are things that I can't really go into on this blog due to privacy. So, I'll allow you to make something up. If you are not feeling creative or imaginative, I will provide a clip that will serve as a kind of "interpretative dance" to for you to decode the meaning.



Did ya catch it? Good.

The job never has a dull moment which is both a good thing and a bad thing. If you are not paying attention for a second, a child could do something dangerous. It sounds a bit extreme but its totally true. And if you don't believe me, you should take the 10 hours of online training we were all taking that showed us real security camera footage of kids who wondered off somewhere and got crushed by various large objects they thought it would be totally awesome to climb. If that doesn't terrify you, you're better than I. That shit made me wanna quit before I started. By the end of the 10 hour modules, one thing is understood: All kids will be raped, drowned, beaten and killed if you do not pay attention for only a split hair of a second.

On my first day, I tried my hardest to leave a good impression. Oddly enough it was easy. They loved me instantly. The only problem was...the feeling was kinda not mutual. Don't get me wrong, I have a soft spot for kids. I do. It's covered in barbwire but its there. I promise. My problem is that my soft spot for kids is not affected by their cuteness factor or any other adorable qualities, its more motivated by trying to keep them safe, alive and molding their morality. I really, really don't want anything bad to happen to this kids more than I care if they have fun or not... I know that sounds bad, but you try prioritizing "fun" with a bunch of kids varying in socio-economic backgrounds for just one day and see what happens. On the first day, I had already put 3 in time out and called a parent. It was amazing. I was all over that shit. I have absolutely no problem with the kids hating me as long as they are alive, safe and learning, I'm good. But, again, no matter how mean or strict I am, they still like me--which is another issue.

Since the kids like you no matter what, they quote you no matter what. They tell their parents about you no matter what. So, if I mumble "fuck these little assholes" under my breath...

I'll give you a real life example. During Quiet Time a kid thought it would be hilarious if he parodied  C & C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat," by changing the widely recognized lyrics "Everybody Dance Now!" to "Everybody Fart Now." Before I lost the children to fart-crazed chaos, I interrupted the laughter with "No, Nobody farts now." And man, did that back fire. They thought it was even more funny than the initial fart joke. From that point on, they repeated that for the rest of the day

"No, Nobody farts now."

"No, Nobody farts now."

Another funny incident includes someone I like to call "Michael Jackson Kid." When I first met him he introduced himself, grabbed his crotch and made a sound that resembled Michael Jackson. It was "he-hee!"  I held my gut in laughter because I thought he was some kind of genius. I mean, if I would have thought of that as a kid--to introduce myself, grab my junk, point vaguely to some direction and say "he-heee"--I would have been proud. However, what I learned about this kid is that he did it ALL the time. He did it when it made that absolute least amount of sense--not that there is a time in which it ever makes sense. MJ Kid did not know what the weather was like so he asked me and then did the crotch grabbing thing with the noise and the point. It had lost its charm. I made him quit.


All in all, it was a damn good week.

Childish Villainy.

The Inspirational Urine Specialist

After my graduation last week, I returned to Knoxville to find a job. You know, those things that are really tricky to find, especially with a vague degree such as English Literature--I have no regrets. I found one pretty quickly--an interesting one to say the least. The interview went fantastically and I am very excited about the position. However, my boss gave me a vast amount of paper work to fill out. The kind of paper work the requires me to run a billion Zelda-like errands to achieve very little. Like, "Hey, Tim. In order for me to validate these references, I'll need a new pen because this one has run out of ink. But I need a special kind of ink. The blood of a dragon should do fine. There is a dragon about 4000 years into the past. You can use this time machine to get there, but in order to slay the dragon, you'll need to get the Dragon-Slaying Sword which is in a whale's mouth at the bottom of the Pacific ocean. You'll need a submarine. Contact the military! They'll have one, but first you'll need to earn their trust by signing up and doing at least 5 years of service..."

I trust you get the idea...

The first errand I had to run was on the other side of Knoxville to a place called "Going Postal," which is where I would get my fingerprints. It was a 45 minute drive in 90 degree weather in faulty AC (which is the poorman's way of saying "hot air blowing air conditioning."). The post office was located obscurely off the side of a road and was an eye sore.  After I got the prints, I drove to my next destination which was about 25 more minutes of speeding up and promptly slowing down. When I finally found the drug testing center, I was 5 degrees hotter than I had been 25 minutes earlier. When I found the joint, it too was oddly located. Its like these places are not meant to be found. It was down a long back-road, filled with apartment complexes and small businesses. I parked and dashed into the air conditioned--I always assume any places is cooler than my car.

When my name was called to piss in the cup, I went down the hall and met the most inspirational pee doctor that has ever existed. This man was passionate about his interactions with is pissers.

"Why, hello, Timothy. Could you please stand to my right and place all of your things in the drawer. You may keep your wallet. Thanks you for understanding."

"oh, uh. Sure."

After I placed all of my things in the drawer he handed me a cup to piss into. He asked gracefully:

"If you don't mind Tim, I need you to fill it at least to the line. If you could do that, I would really appreciate it. And please, don't flush the toilet. Thanks again, Timothy.

"No problem sir"

When I was in the bathroom and not right in front of him, I pissed into the cup and filled it all the way up. It had a cap on it so I didn't have to walk like I had just gotten a cup of hot coffee filled to the rim and had to balance it without spilling it as I would make my way to my seat. No sir. None of that. However, I was paranoid that someone would accidentally bump me while running around the corner, causing me to drop it and look pretty stupid. But that didn't happen at all. I was worried that I peed too much into the cup since it was well past the line marked on it.

"Hey, I pissed Urinated into the cup but well over the line, I hope that doesn't complicate things," I said nicely. In hindsight, I don't know why I was worried about that. What could he have done I don't know what he would have done if it did complicate things? Splashed it in my eyes? Made me drink it? Rub my face in it? I digress.

"Oh, Timothy. It's perfectly fine. I am just glad you did what you thought was right. There are no problems here and is not a big deal at all. Now, if you could, would you wait here for just a few minutes while I test your sample and let you upon your way?"

I held back my chuckle at this man's infinite kindness and responded:

"Sure thing, sir. Thanks."

Once it was done, it was sent to the county and my quest of employment was over.

What a nice pee doctor.