Gay

Being gay just ain't what it used to be. I remember back in a time where being gay meant you were sexin' dudes. But one thing I have learned about life is that everything changes.

Don't get me wrong, I have kept up with the changes. I remember in 4th grade I wore a pink shirt to school and for that entire day I was called gay. So I thought, "note to self...pink means dude sexin.'"  However, that changed just a week later when I brought my holographic Charizard Pokemon card to school. The same group of boys came up to inform me of my homosexual ways: "Man, that's gay. You're gay." So I added on to my mental notes: "Okay. Charizard is gay too. Noted." A year later, I was discussing why Goku was gonna whoop Frieza's ass in the next episode of Dragonball Z with a friend. A familiar group of cliches people approached me reminding me that I was still gay. By that time it was too late. I stopped caring because I finally knew what gay meant. At least I thought I did. 

Then, middle school came and I was informed by a currently established homosexual that I was gay because I did not care about being gay and that I didn't play basketball. Thus, I readjusted my mental notes again: "Start playing with balls and then I am no longer gay." By 7th grade, I finally got it. Being gay was no longer something difficult to define and I learned that two things: Gay is when some is romantically interested in males and I am not part of that community. 

By college, of course it was all mapped out. Sexual categories are just not simple. Obviously if a man and another man are in a relationship (or woman and another woman, and in some cases, a man and a woman who have complicated situation), they are most likely gay/lesbian/bisexual. However, my mind was blown yet again. A person can potentially be a heterosexual woman but fall in love with another woman. Just one woman. She could not be attracted to only one woman her whole life. Does that make her gay? So, I noted once more: "Labels complicate simple things."

However, today, October 20,  2011, I am afraid I am back to square one, once again. Today, it was raining and it was the worst kind of rain: it was cold and horizontal. So, I snatched my umbrella. When I got to the cafeteria, I met with a friend. Once we finished, we walked outside into the rain, where, again, I used my umbrella. She looked at me and snickered, " You are the ONLY boy I know that has an umbrella!"

"really?" I said. 

"Yes, really."

"ah...you're point?"

"You know what they say about boys with umbrellas"

"..they don't like to get wet?"

"Nope," she blurted, "They're gay!!!"

I quit the human race.

Villainy. Non-biased, LGBT supportin' Villainy.

Remember when "I don't care" meant something?

I think the first time I said"I don't care" and really meant it was around 3rd grade. I never played kick ball and hated when students got mad that I didn't play. They cared too much about my disinterest in the game. I remember standing on top of that hill at Chillhowee Intermediate's playground after they had asked harassed me for the second time in a 30 minute period and announcing to the entire world "I really don't care about kickball."

It was empowering to denounce something that everyone tried so hard to convert me to. I just didn't want to play kick ball. I seriously didn't care about that game or the other games they wanted me to play. But wasn't I apathetic before I proclaimed? What encouraged me to holler my lack of interest in kickball? In fact, kickball was not the thing I cared least about. The things I cared the absolute least about were things that I don't even bother to think about. A prime example is the Rugrats. When I was in third grade I really did not care about that show at all. I would not even think about that show unless it was on, and I watched it only to pass the boredom. It wasn't until recently I thought back and realized that show really sucked. I describe it as a " bunch of ugly babies and an overly villainized girl who received no attention from her frequent-cellphone-wielding parents."

I mean really...look at this shit.

But I digress.

I cared even less about politics, so much so that when Bill Clinton got that infamous BJ, I just disregarded. I knew it had something to do with sex due to naughty 4th graders that learned from their parents' xxx rated movies. But I was still not interested. Didn't give two fucks about it--no pun intended. Thus, I must have said "I don't care about kickball" because I wanted them to leave me alone.

Eventually, like many others, I abused my "I don't care" powers.  I found myself using it for things I did care about--things that cause too much of an internal conflict. For an example, I wanted to be a reader so badly but I just could not make myself do it. When everyone read Harry Potter, I avoided it saying "I don't care about Harry Potter." But I did care. I cared sooo much. But because I knew I wouldn't read the book, I just told myself and the world I didn't care. A big regret. Should've read more as a child. I see that same thing today with other people only it has gotten worse. I first noticed it in high school. I was sitting in class when all of the sudden a teacher told a student "if she wanted to sleep she could go home or sleep outside." She wasn't having it. She argued, " But some of us got jobs!"(This argument always struck a nerve with me because it was so weak. I understand that there are some shitty situations were people have to work for their families and poor living conditions but most people at the school were not in those terrible conditions. They chose to work.) The teacher responded "well, I am sorry but you should learn to prioritize. There is no point to coming to class if you can't stay awake for it." She shouted, " Man, I don't give a fuck!" and promptly left the classroom. Okay, clearly she gave a fuck because she resisted him and tried to stay. This happened several times throughout high school. I heard that phrase before fights, classroom walkouts, break ups etc.

Now, "Idon'tcare/don'tgiveafuck" means " I care soooo damn much and I am upset about it. Waah." I think it agitates me the most when people say they don't care about something and THEN argue about it. I remember sitting in on a conversation between two people. One was black and one was white. The black person loudly stated that "Jesus was black!" while the white person said "dude, why do you even care? I don't care about his race. Why do you need to make him black? Just leave him white." Well, I agree to an extent. I disagree about only having a white Jesus because of the racial dominance it influences by making the son of God, someone who represents all perfection a skinny, white male (considering its role in history as tool of conquest and it's influence of America's idea that white is the standard. In my opinion, he shouldn't be animated at all or make him in all colors). My problem with this scenario is not the politics around it, but the mask of "I don't care." The guy said he didn't care but then said "Just leave him white?" So basically...you do care?

Sir, I am going to have to pick a side: to care or to not care

 I have caught myself doing it too. I remember my freshman year, someone engaged me in an argument that I was not in the mood to back down from. It might have been abortion, or something cliche like that. But halfway through it, I said, " I don't care" and then continued to engage the person in the argument. Then saying "I don't care" when I realized I was wrong. Its like jumping into a fight between two people, trying to make peace, and then bitch slapping them both and fleeing from the altercation. You can't wave a sign of peace and then continue engaging someone in war...unless you're a jerk.

What really gets my boxers all tied up is when someone says "I don't care" about something they don't know about or something important. I am not saying every serious thing that is going on in the world should have you undivided. After all, importance is not objective and people that feel that way aren't my favorite people either (,and I really don't like when I am being one of those people). In most cases, like my early beliefs of Rugrats, I don't really think about or mention things I genuinely don't care about. So proclaiming your lack of care all the time makes it look like you want people to care about your apathy, which might mean that you care too much.



 Villainy.

....bible lady....

Ideas/Ideologies/Beliefs are so wonderful. They give purpose to our lives, provide direction and at the same time cause us to do stupid, horrible and awkward things as well. For example, once while I was in Japan I was extremely nervous about a Japanese Speaking test. So, I thought that it would be a ingenious if I had some Japanese plum wine to calm my nerves... Why would anyone ever do that?

I only know like a handful of people that perform better when they have had a little bit to drink:

Jackie Chan in Drunken Master

Rock Lee from Naruto

And apparently myself because I got an A on that shit:

Celebration dance...been doin it for years.

In other cases, the passionate positions we hold on certain things can birth awkward situations. And furthermore make us oblivious to the awkwardness until that self-reflective moment in the night when you recap on your day and think " Oh shit. I really sounded antisemitic when I said that."

Especially if the ideology is something that is the foundation of your identity. For me, I am sensitive about race sometimes. Not hypersensitive, but sensitive. People get those things mixed up sometimes. In the worst case, someone will say something racially awkward and I will just roll my eyes and bitch about it to friends later. For other people religion, sexuality, gender or sports may be sensitive topics. You will rarely hear my call someone racist or see me react in an angry, violent way to it.

Now that I hyped you up about why I am talking about this, I am going to disappoint you. Nothing ridiculous happened. But something kind of awkward happened the other day.

A friend and I were doing a late night run to Taco Bell (which later changed to a trip to Burger King due to a long line and a moment of indecisiveness) when I noticed I was running low on gas. What the topic of discussion was escapes me now, but I remember having a semi-deep conversation. Regardless the astuteness of the conversation, it was interrupted. Not that it was that important, but it all happened kind of awkwardly. I was at the pump, talking to my friend over the roof of the car when a middle-aged woman nervously approached us and handed both me and my friend a brochure that was designed to help us keep up with our bible readings. You know, the ones that are nonexistent. The ones I never do ever.  I smiled and politely said "oh thanks" fakely enthusiastic. She quickly walked away after a nice "you're welcome."

If you are reading this and are religious, you are probably like " so, what's the problem?" Or maybe you're not, but if you are, don't be so hostile. There is no problem here. None whatsoever. In fact, I think it was sweet. It was a nice gesture. She cared about something and offered to help with it. Its not like she tried to convert me, she just assumed that I already was. Why? Who knows.

But the thing is: its just a bit awkward. To a lot of people, especially people of the bible belt, it is normal to be Christian. So, it is very very easy to assume everyone is Christian--especially if you are black. I mean, very rarely do you find a black person that is nonreligious. So I completely understand the lady telling me " take this. It will help you keep up with your scripture reading. 

The most interesting part of the whole thing is what if I actually told her that I am part of that smaller percentage that would be classified under something else. I did not say that of course because that would just invite more awkwardness and, again, I thought it was nice. But still, it would not be rude or over-the-top if I actually informed her of my own beliefs. After all, she kind of just did it...kinda. If someone were to be offended that she assumed that they were Christian, or Mormon or anything, then I guess it would be fair to be so. I wouldn't be. But it would be fair.

Another thing that I think is interesting is that people do not approach you unless they have something religious to tell you or something to sell you. Yes, I just rhymed. But I am serious. I would have been even more touched if she just walked up to me and said, "Hey fellas! I just wanted to say that I hope you two have a wonderful evening. And just be safe. That's all." 

Yeah, you roll your eyes and laugh but I would have been happy. I love that kind of thing. Why would her saying that instead seem weird or creepy, but giving me a scripture schedule normal? Maybe not "hey fellas" but what if she just came up and said something sweet. Or do only people with bibles and Qur'ans do that?  

If you want to express yourself just log-in and leave a post at the bottom. Trolls included.

Just a thought. 

Villainy.

And then all the Trolls in the universe appeared...

A few days ago I was having a really good day. The way I determine whether a day is good or bad is by the way I feel by the end of the day before I go to sleep and also how the way I feel the next morning. If I got to sleep regretting being alive, then it was a bad day. Sometimes, when I wake up the following morning feeling amazing, I can look back at the day before and realize that it was actually not that bad of a day.

In hindsight, I think the day initially mentioned was a good day. However, during that day, I felt like it was a buncha bullshit. The funny thing is, I only remember one bad thing that happened that made it so bad. And that is what this post is gonna be about.

Continuing....

A few days ago, I was having a good/bad day. I was minding my own business just like how everyone does when they are in a story they are not aware of. Because if they knew they were aware of the story it would be breaking the 4th Wall. Looking at the cameras and shit, addressing the audience, arguing with the narrator etc. Who needs that? So, I just continued minding my own business. Suddenly, as most occurrences come into existence, some friends of mine suggested we get some posters and make signs to support our friends' soccer game in the upcoming hours. I offered to drive to the store on campus--which was dumb because parking sucked and it would be cheaper at Walmart, which is what we would end up doing anyways. When we arrived to the campus book store to buy supplies, there were absolutely NO parking spaces left. The only ones were handicap parking spots. People were so desperate for the terrible food at McCalie's they obnoxiously illegally parked along the side the street making it difficult to pull out a car from the handicap parking spots.

As I pulled in to the handicap spots, I decided, " This is dumb. Why'd you guys let me come here? Time to go to Walmart!" Everyone cheered as I pulled out of the parking spot, and hit someone's car.

You read that last sentence correctly. I hit someone's car. And then all the trolls in the universe appeared..

When I opened my car door I heard every stereotypical voice you would hear during a moment that could be exciting:

"Like, Oh my God. He just hit that car"
"Awww Snap Ya'll! Shits about to go down"
"Holy shit bro. Did you see that?!"

The Trolls! They arrived! And they came from all corners of the universe. Gathering around that accident.

I nervously got out of the car and walked up to victim of my carelessness. Afterall, how could I so carelessly hit an illegally parked car that was bascially screaming "OH, PLEASE! QUICKLY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HIT ME!"

However, I had no attitude. No anger. Just concern. No one was hurt and there was ZERO damage.
Although I had no attitude, it didn't mean that other people were gonna play by the same rules. I still heard the trolls making things worse (and funnier...I laughed..a bit later). I still heard " Aw snaps, ya'll," which is so funny as background noise. I figured they'd get bored. But one of the trolls stepped forward and said " Hey man, nothing happened really. The dent was there and then it just popped out."

Glory! But, it wasn't over yet. One more approached me stating " Oh yeah! This is my sister's car. Hold on, she'll be right out!" She said it in that way. You know? That " Naw naw naw, bitch! Don't you dare think about running away!" kinda way. But I ignored the sass and waited for her sister who wasn't much different. When she came out, I was annoyed for two reasons: She was kinda cute and she didn't hear me tell her she was on the wrong side of the car. I stood awkwardly in the background.
Eventually she asked, " who did this?" and like a little kid who broke the family vase, I stood with my hand raised.

Her response: She turned to the trolls surrounding the vehicle and asked " Oh, he wasn't gonna speak up then huh?"

the before mentioned troll stepped forward explaining the situation again, this time to queen troll:

"...and then it just popped back out"

I got bored and walked up to her, apologizing for hitting her tactlessly, illegally parked car, which, if my car was damaged by, she would have to pay since she was the one in the wrong. She looked at me for a second, changed her tone and said " nah, its okay. There's no damage."

That was it. I drove the fuck outta there.

Kill em with kindness

and then villainy.

You're gonna carry that weight :3 Steps to letting things go

I have a long, infinite list of flaws. It's no secret. I suck at a lot of things, but one thing I rock at is knowing that I suck at a lot of things. This is NOT me being humble; this is me being honest. One of my worst flaws is letting things go. Its just a hard thing to do. There are even times when I am so frustrated about something that I can't sleep well. For instance, it is ridiculously late/early right now, but because at this very moment I cannot let something go. So,  I figured that bloggin' it out would at least help me burn off energy about the situation. 

My problem with letting things go is that I never seem to do it right. What I mean is, when I feel that I have been wronged, its hard for me to just say "well, I just got got. Oh well." Often times I find myself looking back at issues that seemed Hulk sized and realize they are only Janet Dyne size (look it up). I see the same problem with others. Saying "I'm gonna let this shit fly" doesn't give that shit wings. You actually have to let it go.

But how do you do that? I have a few steps that many of you will find pretty obvious and unhelpful, but those who have the same problem may find useful.

Step 1: Allowing and accepting rage--within reason.

Be Mad! It's okay.

Contrary to the picture above, do not get that mad to the point you want to choke professor X. But you need to find a positive way to let out your anger/sadness. Do not deny the fact that you are upset. Anger is an emotion. You cannot really force yourself to not feel anger, but you can control your anger. So many times I find myself saying that I am letting something go and then it doesn't happen. I am too eager to let something go instead of allowing myself to be angry, and then get over it. Also, do not let your friends tell you to "get over it" and force you to not care. In all honesty, your friends, no matter how terrific they may be, don't always care, or understand where you are coming from on an issue. And in some cases, friends tend to trivialize things they think are not important. So if you are annoyed that your roommate left his food out for an entire day, just tell them. Don't just sit there mad, but let that shit out. Usually, people are not immediately angry. It usually starts because someone has to let it grow over time. So neutralize it before it gets to that level. If you don't rage properly, you will bitch about it for weeks and possibly deform a friendship. Meaning, now it is a habit of you to bitch about that friend. Then, you're Mr/Mrs. Negative. If you get this step right, you are more than half way done.

Step 2: Distance yourself from the situation

Maybe that's what took him so long

This one is tricky. It's a very situation step. And it also depends on the personality. Those that are better at letting things go, don't need distance. They simply have amazing shoulder blades, shrug their cares away and move one. Some people that claim they are fine with letting things go, but aren't: Pay attention. After a feud, distance yourself from someone you just confronted, just for a little while, and very nonchalantly, even if it means to step out and have a smoke. Like a stove, people rarely go from boiling hot to room temp in the matter of seconds. So maybe you should, or they should (depending on the agitator) should just have a nice tall glass of shutthefuckupforalittlewhile. It's a great drink. I usually find myself ordering it daily. I should stress that sometimes you need to do this very nonchalantly. Sometimes leaving promptly and obviously after a feud forces some personalities to immediately try to fix it. They might follow you to your car to further explain what they meant. Or maybe get super defensive and call everyone up to let them know that they made you angry and so they Paul Revere that shit to let the world know that you are coming. Try to distance yourself gracefully and tastefully.  The whole point of this step is to make things move smoothly for the next step. When someone has just told you that they sold your Xbox 360 for rent money, you probably should take a walk. Sitting in awkward air is bad for the lungs. 

Last step: Don't bring it back up. You're done.

YOU AGAIN?!

The important thing about distance is that you need time to get over it. When you return, you need to be over it. And if you are not, don't come back. I am so serious about this step. If you are not over this situation--and you might have damn good reason to depending on whatever happened--then you should prolong your walk down Snake Way (the second picture). And, in some rare cases, you might need to just find some new friends. But what you do NOT do is continually bring it back up. In some circles, it's totally fine digging up old bones that were once so serious as a joke. But only do that if you are beyond 100% sure it's okay. I have heard friends joke about how they messed with another friend's girlfriend and the fight they both had afterwards. It was a pretty awkward laugh. In fact, if I remember correctly, it wasn't really a laugh. It was more of a "heh ah, yeah so anyways."  Sometimes things will always be too soon. Bring bad memories back up as a way of domineering over your friends is a good way to lose them. I have witnessed that first hand. We all have. If you ever find yourself being the tyrant, dangling the past over your bestie's head, or be you the victim under once friendly but now oppressive hand then ask yourself this. Is this friendship really worth further investment? or ask yourself this, specifically if you can't let something go: how big is this bruise gonna be when I grow up, have a family and I want my friend to come see them but I can't because of some ol bullshit that happened 6 billion years ago?

Remember that last episode of Cowboy Bebop, when the main character died because he refused to let the past go?  After the long credit reel at the bottom of the screen, in some small strange font there was a message:

Alright, that did it. I'm good now. Goodnite.

Oh, and Villainy. 

Late reaction: Blatino Spidey

RalA few months and a couple rage forums later, I thought I would just throw my opinion out there into the masses of opinions out there. But first let me fill people in on something they probably already know: the Ultimate Marvel Comic's story line--the story line that is separate from the original Marvel story line-- has killed off Peter Parker and has replaced him with blacker, hispanicer Miles Morales.

This guy.

Of course this would cause a stir. But the stir it would cause was not just one big stir, but a large combination of tiny stirs, making a bigger confusing stir. I have heard/read various arguments for and against this change. Let's start with the smaller ones and slowly inch our way into the racial ones.

1. Peter Parker is Spider-man. Period.

I agree, Peter Parker is Spider-man. I don't want there to be a case when Peter is not Spider-man somewhere, shape or form. But lets keep in mind, this change is only the Ultimate story line. This story line was created ten years ago for cases just like this. In this universe, super heroes and villains are gay, straight, evil, good, black, Latino etc. So its not like you can't retreat to the Orignal story line where Peter Parker is still alive and kicking. Do it. That's what I read. It's wonderful. Peter Parker> Miles Morales. I'm sorry. I just love Peter. 

2. This is not the first time Spider-man has been non-white. Why the hype now?

This is so true. In the Spider-man 2099, Peter Parker is so dead. Like sooo dead....because it is the year 2099. A time where a man named Miguel O hara, a hispanic civilian of NY is the new spider-man. There was not much hype behind that then this. So, why? My theory: People perceive Parker's murder as the means for ushering in a Hispanic/ Black character. When that is not the case. The writer of Ultimate Comics has stated that the decision to make this character Hispanic/Black was not something he just wanted to do. He said that he simply made character based off what he sees daily. He felt that he doesn't only see white people when he gets on the subways in the inner city where Parker lives. It just kind of "happened." The decision to kill Pete was decided long before they had an idea for a replacement. The decision to make him a new character was also in the storyboard too. The decision to make him a non-white character was just something they did in the midst of it all. 

3. Why are people getting so excited that he is Blatino? So what? Race doesn't matter.

Okay, this one seems peaceful right? But its the kind of thing that irks my nerves the most. It depends on the way the question is being asked. If someone is saying "hey, I am fine with the change. It doesn't bother me much" then you honestly don't care about the racial aspect. Fantastic! What I don't like is "Dude, why are you so happy that he is Blatino? Its just another color. He's not really Black ( or he's not really Latino--depending on who you are). " 

When you you go out of your way to snatch something like that away from a group of people, it makes it seem like you have issues with race. Its like when 2008's election results were in and people were intent on saying "So, he's not really black! Calm down!!" Why does it bother people so much to see some group of people celebrate finally seeing someone that they looked up to finally represent them?

What people need to realize is that race clearly matters. Not all the time, but in certain situations. When your most iconic superheroes or heroes in general are so wise and full of wisdom, but rarely look like you, then it is easy for a child to feel like they lack the criteria to be as heroic. Its true and it was with me as well.

(sidenote: Bullshit! If Barack Obama mugged your ass in the night, you would describe his ass as a tall African American-ass male with a big black gun and big black lips. Just saying.)

I am skeptical though. Publicity stunt or not, Brian Bendis is a fantastic writer. He has rarely made a decision that made Spider-man a dull character. I doubt he is gonna start now. Who knows, in the next ten years, we might be seeing a love for this character more than Peter.

Nah, Peter all day long. Good luck Morales.

Villainy.

As I sat in the library...

Man, it feels good to be back on campus.  Just being on campus makes me feel like I am being productive compared to just sitting around elsewhere. But what I truly missed is not just receiving high grades, increasing my writing ability, meeting new people but seeing all the strange-than-fiction things I see when I am on campus.

From 2007 to now, I can honestly say "nothing surprises me anymore." Since I have been here I have heard absurd conversations, outbursts, seen slightly silly things and completely over the top things. For example when Obama won the election in 2008, this campus went crazy---on both sides. One side had a woman stabbing an Obama-carved pumpkin with a knife, and dangled it off her dorm balcony. The other side had a dude shouting "OBAMA MOTHA FUCKAZ" as people walked by. On other occasions, I have had smaller WTF moments like being evangelized to by a Buddhist monk and then snubbed when I refuse to give him any kind of money.

Out of all of the crazy events that have happened on campus, I appreciate the smaller ones the best. Like Today, I was in the library reading The Catcher in the Rye, a book that should have been read a lot earlier on, but since I am in an Adolescent literature class, I am reading it now-- there will probably more books I will read this semester on the "damnkidyoushouldareadthatyearsago" list. But I digress. As I sat in the library, I saw this student walking in with some stylish head phones on his head. You know those people that really feel the music they listen too, so much so that their facial expressions and their walking pace changes? Well, that was this guy ( I am totally that guy too). What separates this guy from the other people that really feel their music is that he assumes we should ALL feel his music. So in the quietest moment of the library, he walks right past me and shouts the most intense part of the song: "And I would pull a strap for my niggaz!!!"

I smirked. Not phased. Not surprised.

Villainy. And I mean it.