RIP Uncle James: Do what you can, when you can

I knew sometime in the near future I was going to be writing this post. Unfortunately, I was not expecting it to be this soon. Sometime yesterday I lost a very colorful personality to heart failure. I received the call during a party--which is by the way the absolute worst place to hear something like that. After the call ended, knowing my uncle was dead, seeing the world dance their wonderful asses off to "Party Rock," I simply wasn't buying it. My would not only not accept the bad news of my unlce's death, but it also wouldn't accept the party, the music or the people. For like a whole minute I stood in the hall like "wait, what?" Even after the call, I still heard those awful noises in my ears. "He's dead man." It was like it was 2005 all over again when I lost my father, only this time it was happening to my closest friend and cousin. The 2nd worst feeling in the world is being far away from someone that you think could use your help. and it had happened twice this year now. The 1st is losing someone/something you are close to.
After about a minute, which seemed like a long time--imagine standing in an empty hallway for a complete minute trying to think of what to do next-- I decided to inform my boss about it because I knew that I would be heading back to Knoxville soon for a funeral.  I went to my room for two reasons: There was a party, and Pro Fun Luggage Tim is not gonna be a party shitter and I did not know if I could really party knowing that so many of my family is hurting. Before I got on the phone for the remainder of the evening thinking of pretty much everything every person that has ever lost someone close to them. The same cliches you say every funeral that you never believe you will think of again, but someone dies again, and here you are talking about the last things he/she said to you, what could have been done better etc. It wasn't until last night when I called my cousin back, and got no response, that I realized these ideas are fine. There is no real advice you can give to the mentally matured person that has lost someone that he or she does not already know. So it was okay that I was speechless when he called. Sometimes, you just need to listen. Listen until you find the words that will comfort that person. It might be anything from "I am here" to "I am on my way."

Later, I found myself reverting into my childhood way of thinking: "When is it going to be my brother? My mother? My grandmother? My step dad? Or best friends? When am I gonna start visiting my bestfriends' funerals? Their children's funerals? Their parents funerals? When am I going to be all alone?

The craziest part is that is not the worst question. The worst question is "When will I get used to this?" and the worst part about that worst question is "Yes, you will get used to it." Within that answer lies an even harder truth: You will survive. You will always be okay. You will accept this reality and push through it.

Why is that so bad? Because sometimes I just don't want to get used to losing people. I don't like funerals. I don't even like saying good bye. Sometimes I avoid starting conversations with people just because I don't want to say good bye. Pathetic, right? But here is the question I asked myself that brought me back to an adulthood way of thinking: So you are just going to start avoiding people just because one day you are going to have to say good bye? No.

Never will I ever regret staying at my Uncle James'  house almost everyday for the past summer, just because he would die at the end of it. Would I be the same person had I not been stopped by him just to be told, "Tim, I am proud of you for going to Japan. You could have went over to Japan, taken a dump, and flown right back the next day, and I still would have been proud of you. And your dad would have been proud too!" That touched me. His son, two daughters, ex-wife and new nephew (born this past summer as well are VERY lucky people to have had someone like that in their lives. Especially seeing how its hard as balls to keep a father in a house nowadays.

It doesn't stop there. One day, you may lose everything. But that only implies that you had something important to begin with. This means that when you say " I lost everything" (which your probably didin't), it actually means that I lost something important and I have more to lose. I say that to say treasure everything you have now, as much as you can, as hard as you can, until you can't. Appreciate it while its here and when its gone. And don't ever ever ever believe that life only goes down from here, because sometimes (usually) it goes up. After all, my Uncle James is no longer with us, but at least he lived to see something so wonderful come into existence:

Baby Villainy.

RA Training Filler Arc: Social Chameleons

The most difficult thing for me being an RA is being so silly and optimistic. Ironically, its also my most favorite part of the Job. The energy that my co-workers generate is real, ridiculous, and intimidating. However, call me cynical, but I love the feeling of being overwhelmed. It becomes a challenge. I go through the following phases: " Oh shit, I can't do this" to "Oh shit, this is gonna be hard but I will try" and finally "I am gonna nail this and so much more!"
The intimidation comes from the mass of big personalities in this job. Plenty of people right now are probably like "Dude, what the hell are you talking about?! You have that!" but, I guarantee there a bunch of people that are reading this like " Yo, Dude, what's with that? You need more of that."
This leads into my main point for this entry (to all 2 of you people that read this thing): we all socially adjust to our surroundings depending on what is need in a specific situation. This is a big generalization because I said "we all" when really I mean, "some people I have noticed at certain times...sometimes." In other words, challenge my flawed thesis, and then leave a comment after you have done that.

Since you were a child, you might have noticed how impressionable you were. Mannerisms, speech rhythm and facial expressions all being unintentionally copied from parents, neighbors, friends etc. I think the same thing is true for personalities for some people. I find myself really shy around extremely confident people. Then, when I am around a group of shyer people , its easier for me to be that person that is the most outgoing. This also explains why you probably have that friend you always look up to for being so courageous, but when you bring it up to that friend, you are halted with a " no way! Me? Courageous? Thanks for the compliment, but there is just no way!"

The trick is learning when to become more like a Chameleon. A Chameleon can match its environment. So when it is in an environment that requires more brown, it becomes more brown. So, the goal is to use what is learned from a strong friend, in a situation that requires strength, without the necessity of "weak people"--for a lack of better words. Like an off/on switch to your potential.

Just the other day, I was talking to my friend about how admirable she was for being so good at making big decisions as I watched her take charge of a group indecisive people. She replied with a pshhh sound of disbelief. She told me, " I am never good at making decisions. They just suck at it."

I believe her.


Villainy.

Wake me up when September ends...

Tomorrow, I am moving back into my dorms as an RA. I was really not all that excited until recently. Very recently. Like an hour ago. Not that I was not looking forward to being RA again or anything, but more because I spent the past few days having loads of fun with the family. After watching a couple Louis CK stand ups and a 12 episode Gundam anime, it finally hit me that I am gonna be meeting new people and some pretty cool old ones at my home campus. Why? because its RA training. Before studying abroad, I was an RA for about a year. So it feels new now. And like any new job, I am having a very small case of new job anxiety. Again, a small case.
I don't know if anyone else is like this but I always feel like I am going to mess something up, or that I am doing something wrong. Its the same kind of feeling old people get when a they are on the computer and a small window opens up and says "Would you like to blah blah blah" and old people think by pressing the "yes" button they are also selecting the "break this computer" button. Its also like the feeling you get when you meet some hot girl or boy, depending on the preference of the reader, and you think at any moment you are going to let out this earth shattering fart.....No one? Only me? Okay, I digress.
The point being, I feel like I am gonna drive all the way to the middle of the state and find out that my campus decided to move the training date to last week or maybe it was last week and the email never made it to my inbox. Or maybe I did and never read it. I am pretty sure neither of this scenarios are the case and my school, along with all of experiences with the school have never existed and I have spent the last 4 and half years going to a big open field and sleeping in a tent, fabricating the entire higher education experience.

...Right! The purpose of this blog post!

Well, all that aside, I finally get to start this school year off with a very positive view, despite all the babble above. BECAUSE I BOUGHT TICKETS FOR THE JAY-Z and KANYE WEST "WATCH THE THRONE Tour!" The only bad part is that it is on October 30th.  All I have to do now is tolerate one whole month of haters: Drake, Lil Wayne, Illumanati conspiracy theorist(look it up) etc. Also, I got a whole lot of school just a waitin' to get in my way of Watching the Throne.
However, just like Edward and Alphonse preach, I too know the laws of equivalent exchange. That being said, I don't have much money to start this year off. Now, many people are probably thinking, "Dude, baaad decision."
But I have a answer for that kind of logic. An answer most 15 years olds say when they are beaten to death by truth, Obama wants to say when he is attacked by republicans, Bush when he was attacked by democrats, and Eminem when he was attacked by the press:




Yep, Ijdgaf

Villainy. Apathetic Villainy. Stay posted and Watch The Throne.

Captain Save 'em: Being too much of a friend.

In high school, there was a term used among my friends: Captain Save 'em. The term best describes someone being too much of a friend. At one point, or several points, I, you, and all the people you know, have been or will be, Captain Save 'Em. I try so hard to not fall into this category, but it usually happens when you are not trying.

 The term best describes someone who swoops in from above to save a friend from some kind of situation simply because they are friends. For instance, if someone wants to introduce their boyfriend/girlfriend to their friends, but after doing so, the friends notice that the boyfriend/girlfriend is rude. The Captain will say something like "Yeah, but you just don't understand how hard her /his life is" or "Oh nah man! they were just kidding! That's just their sense of swag! haha." That's your cue, "Captaaaaaaaaaaain Save 'em."

Oh believe me, it sucks. But it feels so good when you call someone else out being a captain. Or when you stop yourself from being a captain. But one thing you should never do is become angry that you are a captain. The truth is, it shows a good quality about yourself: you care about your friends. But, I urge anyone and everyone to be a captain sometimes. Being a captain is the equivalent being a "My child can do no wrong" parent. Plus, if done often, it villainizes those the captain are protecting the poor soul against.

We have seen this happen in mainstream media all the time. For instance, when Kramer released his mouth and unleashed the infamous racist rant (although for some reason people only recalled him saying the "nigger" once). The next day, every person that had met Kramer (or having a severe case of race guilt) tied on their cape and flew in to the rescue the poor guy. Granted, he was in a need of some kind of rescue. However, the big problem was that there wasn't any real saving. There was only Captain saving.  "Kramer's not racist! He is my friend! I have known him for years!" Nice argument. This person did not do anything wrong at all because he is someone's friend.

Unfortunately, I think sometimes its too easy to forget what it actually means to be a friend. When you are someone's friend, you should "keep it real" with them all the time. Why? Because they deserve truth. We want our friends to grow. And standing by them when they do something wrong does the complete opposite. Instead, we should just stand by them when the whole world tells them they are wrong (assuming they actually are) and silently agree.

Being Captain Save 'em is like being Stan...and no one likes a Stan.


Villainy.

Hometown Syndrome: "Man, I can't wait to get out of Xtown/ville"

Sometimes, its just time to go.

The biggest cliche in the post-high school world is believing that all your problems stem from your hometown and leaving will ultimately remedy the problem. Well, that and becoming pregnant immediately after grabbing your diploma and walking off the stage. I was part of this same cliche when I was a Senior in high school and freshmen in college. Whenever you came back from school, and had been home for  more than a week, Hometown Syndrome kicks in. Then boom!: My hometown had become the reason for my lack of money, influx of car problems and my perpetual state of boredom. I mean the famous Fun Luggage analogy I use so much on this blog is the perfect solution to the problem: just make things fun. But it is so much easier to blame the city.

I remember the first drive outta Knoxville to MTSU feeling like  a lot of my old problems were gone. Why? Because I associated that with Knoxville. If you think about it, using a city as a scapegoat makes a lot of sense. When you claim your problems are the city itself, then you can always just leave. Creating an illusion that all of your issues have been left behind you. Now, I don't think Knoxville sucks, but for damn sure don't want to live here.

Here's were the entry starts to get confusing. My problem for not wanting to live in my hometown is just that, my problem. I don't think I am any better than those who are living there/here. I am one of those people who are lightly affected by their environment. If I am around a group of friends that I always said the expression "Nah dawg" with in the past, then I am more likely to do it. Mind you, if everyone is doing meth, I am not going to do it so don't even start making up those little metaphors about people jumping off cliffs and me promptly following. Instead, I am more prone to doing things and feeling ways about things if I am in an area in which I always do those things or feel those ways.
Personally, when I come home I feel less productive than I do at school and it makes me feel uncomfortable. When I go back to school, I feel like I am hitting my potential often.

A better example of this kind of thing is one that I am going to steal from a friend. I have a friend who goes home to a very nice area, inhabited with people best described as "silly." Not everyone from that area is silly, but their social circle is a little "silly." When my friend returns home to visit their loved ones, their silly traits, that were once cute, are somewhat offensive and annoying. This kind of thing makes that friend not want to come home so often. Lucky for me, that is not so much the case.

If you could tolerate my love of italics and vagueness and are still following, I appreciate it.

Therefore, for me, it was great coming back to the states and my hometown etc. But it is more of a reminder of how badly I want to not be here. I guess I want to broaden my sense of "home". I want everywhere to feel like home instead of just one place. I have, and always will have, mad love for my home town. But I think it will feel great to finally hit the road again.



Knoxvillainy.

Why today sucked and rocked (videos)

Recently, a friend of mine, Mark, has been doing Theater at his college. He has fallen madly in love with it. About two days ago, Mark, Jaymes and myself started watching a show called "Dog Bites Man." A good portion of the show is improvisation. Mark realizes that we could totally do that and demanded I carry my camera on me at all times, which I do anyways, so there is no big change. 

Fast forward to today. I had planned to wake up early and study Japanese. But I didn't I woke up late, to my uncle James telling me that my cousin Jay has stepped on a nail and is bleeding. The Tone was set for the rest of the day. 

After cleaning the wound, he was fine. I opened my Genki II Textbook and began to study...until my phone rang. I had to pick up my brother to take him to the dentist. My car will not have AC until tomorrow  and it was blazing.For the rest of the day, I drove in the heat until all my errands were completed. 

Jay, Mark and myself all decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. After all, it was Tuesday! 45cent wings! 

When we got there, Mark had the brilliant idea of parking in the spot that has a sign that says "hey, if you park your car here we will tow that shit so fast, we will cause a rupture in reality! So bitches, Don't fucking park here!" Mark concluded that since it wasn't directly in front of the car, it was only talking about the spaces to the left of the sign....I know, right? He gambled.

After getting our food late and being told that Jay had to leave because he is under 21 and its almost 10:00, the time in which Buffalo Wild Wings becomes an even louder, doucheyer place, we decided to leave....Guess who's Car got towed? 

Videos below

It doesn't end there. Mark gets a glimpse of the Taco Bell Manager who got his car towed. Here is Mark's description:

And The Fun Luggage was packed.